早點回家

這一陣子，我每天都在外頭流蕩，不想早點回家。上兩個星期我幾乎是每天都跟我的兩個朋友一起。不過，可能是流蕩得久了，發覺每天跟朋友吃飯聊天越來越沒意思，而且錢也用得很快。有時候我會覺得他們真的好無聊，整天在找人聊天吃飯。以前我只是偶爾跟他們玩，可是最近我也太無聊了，竟然每天都跟他們無聊著。問題是，不跟他們在一起，我也會覺得無聊。-.- 天啊...我真的很無聊。反正我已經把弗吉尼亞大學還有威廉和玛丽大學申請完了。現在如果我每天都晚回家，我媽也不說我了。只是...心裏還是空虛。因爲我越跟朋友去玩，就越覺得我找不到能夠真正溝通的人。或許說，我沒有知心朋友。雖然我已經有了很多很好很好的朋友，可是我始終還是不能跟他們訴説一切，因爲他們根本無法了解我的經歷和有些想法。也許這是因爲我們終于大了，我們的想法，經過二十年的不同的環境和經歷，已經形成了一定的狀態，比較沒有從前一樣容易了解和接受陌生的人情事了。

Happy 2010

It's 2010! I still haven't gotten used to it yet though. Last night, for the first time I experienced the excitement of new years. I was actually happy to the point of euphoria. :D Actually I think that was just the result of being drunk. Well, how can one not be happy in good company on an occasion? I got home this morning at around 5 am and crashed into bed, but not before I washed my face clean of makeup! (Clear skin is one of my goals this year.)

Here are my new year's resolutions:

1. Exercise more/lose fat
2. Get into UVA
3. Learn how to drive
4. Get clear skin

Yes, unfortunately I still don't know how to drive. And yes, unfortunately I am gaining fat! Ugh -_-;; At least they're not the same as last year's. That's a good sign - I think I actually achieved some of last year's. :)

White Christmas

This past year will be one of the most meaningful to me. From its beginning to its end, it has given me so many unforgettable memories. But the good thing is it began with something miraculous and ended with something wonderful. The struggles might have been some self-inflicted, some external, but now at least I feel like not everything is going against me anymore. :)

I spent the entire past week at home...hibernating. haha I didn't go out at all except for a walk with my mom and getting the mail. It has been a boring yet relaxing week, but man am I ready to get out of the house. It really sucks to not be able to drive.

Compassion

"For there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one's own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes." — Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Curse this emotion called compassion. It's driving me out of my mind.

These days I have been losing track of myself, but I think I have finally woken up. It finally hit me what I have been doing for the past two months. And it must stop now. It's not how I am. I was turning into someone I don't recognize. It's as if the more depressed I am, there will eventually be a point in which I go into denial and release my suppressed emotions in expressions of happiness and extraversion. This has happened before...5 years ago. It got to a point in which I could no longer take the emptiness and I ended in a merely external explosion of cheerfulness. It is often in these circumstances that I end up either expressing myself too much and too easily or not at all. And I begin to act completely different than before, disregarding the consequences of my actions. I guess I can also say that this is how I deal with stress. I go into denial or I laugh it off. Or I pretend everything is fine because I know it will be eventually. Or all of them combined.

Expression

It's been a while since my last post. Although I made this blog with the intent of expressing my thoughts, I still can't type out how I really feel. I guess it's the wall I built, and it's even hard for myself to break it down. Lately Jessica's problems with Momo have made me realize that I also have a wall that I've never let down except for a select few.

Even right now. Every time I type out what I'm thinking, I backspace it out again. There was a time when I seemed like a completely open person that didn't care what I said or who heard it. But I wasn't actually like that. That happy, loud, obnoxious, reckless person that laughed all the time was just a shell. She didn't want to show how she really felt, so she pretended to be loud and happy. It helped convince her that everything was okay. It was a way for her to forget and run away from reality.

But now I prefer to be silent. Always the good listener. I keep everything to myself. There was a time when I couldn't keep quiet. I just had to tell someone. But now, I just bite my lip and don't say anything. I guess it's because I learned that there's no point in saying anything, since I don't want to hear comforting words or support. That's not going to help the actual situation. Everyone has their own problems. I used to want to be a psychologist, but now that I think about it, deciding against it was a good choice. I'd be listening to other people's problems all day long, trying to help them. I just want to live a carefree life. That's why I want to be a workaholic. That way I can concentrate on work and not think about other things.

hahaha... I just remembered that Jessica and my mom said before that I'm not a girl. haha. I was probably meant to be a guy, but somehow I ended up with a girl's body.

Oh, Miraculous Life.

How incredible.

Suddenly something I had believed for a lifetime - however short - is false.

It feels unreal.

A dream.

And yet, I feel happier for it.

The love I had did not disappear.

Instead, it swelled, and I can begin to understand better.

Yes, I'm beginning to understand.

Thank you. So much. Words can't describe my gratefulness.

All I can say is...

Wow.

I love you.

New Year's Resolutions

Looks like time for another batch of New Year's Resolutions to forget about later. No, I really want to fulfill them this year. Maybe this is going to be the year.

1. Good time management
2. Waste less time (like right now)
3. Stick to my sleeping schedule
4. Work hard
5. Prioritize
6. Start work once I get home/Do not procrastinate

Short list, but really hard to do. But since this year I'll soon be an "official" adult, I better start acting like one. Last night I was thinking about how much time I've wasted in my life. I always think that I have all the time in the world to loiter and do nothing. Of course, such is not the case. I waste precious time by just posting on this blog that I don't let anybody read. So why do I do it?

Jackie Chan

Yay!~ Yesterday Jackie came to my house for the first time! It was so nice to have her over~ ^-^ We didn't do much, but it was just nice to spend time together. She's graduating this year... T-T And we never even got a chance to hang out until yesterday!

Haha... So yesterday in AP Psych class she was saying how she wishes we could keep in contact after high school and someday we'll meet each other again with our families and hang out. And of course I would hope we'll keep in contact. She's always keeping things inside her though. We gotta have some more bonding time. hehe~

It reminded me of the time I left Shanghai, and Danielle, Kelly and I were saying how we gotta meet again with our families when we're adults. I guess...usually it's Asians that think like that? Well, now I still keep in contact with Danielle and Kelly, but we don't get to catch up with each other's lives much. I don't really know what's going on in their lives, and we don't get to talk much. But they're still my good 姐妹.

I'm not someone who opens up really quickly. It takes time for me to open up, cuz I want to get to know people first. So it also takes a while for other people to really get to know me. Now that I think about it, I don't think there's a lot of people that know me extremely well.